You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
