bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Randomize
