I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
ttyl tear gas
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
