So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
