you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
