I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
