I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The air was thick with penises
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
