I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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