kristin has been a bad kristin
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
