Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize