if you like me you must not know who I am
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
