Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
