Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I don't deserve a penis
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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