i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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