I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
one two three fourrrrnication!
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
