Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
