i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
