Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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