yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
