so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
