if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
