Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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