my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
