i just had sex bonerless
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize