Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
