Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
