I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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