If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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