I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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