fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
