i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
