I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
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