Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
