Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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