ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
