Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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