I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize