My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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