this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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