i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
