i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
