Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
