i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
