Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
it's like heaven, but drunker
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
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