No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
