I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
