i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
