Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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