you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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