i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
