mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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