I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
