Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
