dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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