life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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