how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
