dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
