I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
