I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
