I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
