apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
