The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize