Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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