I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
