there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
