I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
