Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my vag is so smooth its legendary
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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