We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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