Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
