Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
