mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize