so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
