He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
